Nord Scream: The Wall Street Journal Has Greenlit Best True War Story Film In Ages

I need this movie in surround sound, right now

I am finally convinced. Ukraine destroyed the Nord Stream pipelines. If the Wall Street Journal had not convinced me beyond a reasonable doubt with their bombshell article last Thursday, the delightful keening from the vatniks and Russiaboos of social media was final validation. They know the story is true and they cannot stand it. I call that chorus the “Nord Scream.” I said that the story would be amazing if true, and I am hardly disappointed. As regular readers will know, I have been correcting for my bias by remaining a skeptic to the end. Here, my skepticism officially ends.

I needed to be totally convinced before I pen my script, because this will be the most amazing true war story film that anyone has made in a long time. It will be condemned by the Kremlin and win awards in Kyiv. I need this movie to exist. I must see it in 3-D IMAX with all the popcorn. This is not the way Ukrainians are supposed to behave. They are mere finger-puppets of the West, after all. Vladimir Putin needs suspicion to remain with the United States, therefore every tankie account on the Elon Musk app has spent the last several days mocking the idea that “drunken sailors” could have possibly undertaken such a daring and successful mission.

Ukraine is not even supposed to exist, according to the Russkiy mir (Русский мир) idea of Putinism. This strategic contempt explains much of what is happening in Kursk Oblast today. But my script will not end on a battlefield because the true story is playing out in a London courtroom. My working title is Baltic Banger: Mission of the Andromeda. Premium subscribers can leave alternate title suggestions in the comments. The full post will be available to free subscribers in four weeks.