EXCLUSIVE: Joe Biden Determined To Win At Least One War, Possibly By November
'We've got what, three to choose from. now?'
In an exclusive interview with Polemology.net, President Joe Biden says he is determined to win at least one of the wars that the United States and its allies are presently waging around the Eurasian continent.
“I’ve got so many wars on my plate that it’s hard to figure out which one comes first,” the president said. “We’ve got what, three to choose from, now? We’ve been talking to our friends and allies and figuring out where to start winning, and in the meantime we’ve been asking them to just wait on it.”
Last week, President Zelenskyy seemed to confirm recent reporting that United States officials have begged Ukraine to halt their bombardment campaign on Russian oil infrastructure. Successful strikes on key facilities have crippled production, forcing Russia to import finished gasoline.
“I get that Vladimir Putin keeps putting the lights out in Ukraine,” Biden said in a secure Zoom call with Polemology.net. “That’s frustrating, but I can’t afford to have their tomfoolery affecting global gas prices in an election year, now, can I?”
The November election has also made Biden worry that an Israeli assault on Rafah, the last HAMAS stronghold in Gaza, could result in the re-election of Donald Trump. “About three percent of Democrats in Michigan withheld their votes over this issue in the primary,” Biden insisted. “Three percent!”
US officials have lobbied Israel to cancel the assault, fearing that thousands of Palestinian civilians will fill the streets making Pallywood videos. “It’s too much, man,” Biden said.
“Americans will see all that street theater and blame me for it. I told Benny Netanyahu just the other day it’s a mistake to go in there and take on the best crisis actors in the world.”
Asked about the Red Sea, Biden quashed all hope of decisive action. “We don’t want anything to get out of hand, there.”
Although the president is unwilling to directly blame Iran for the Houthi attacks on shipping in the Bab al-Mandab Strait, he has reportedly ordered cyberattacks on the Iranian Navy ships supporting those attacks.
“Cyber is great, man. No kinetic destruction at all. That’s real 21st century stuff. Did you see what we did after Tower 22 in Jordan? I had to avenge three dead Americans, so I put zero dead Iranians in our strike package.”
“We think the guys in Teheran were impressed by that,” Biden added. “Hopefully they’ll simmer down until November and then we can call that a win.”
Polemology.net asked the president about Poland and the European shift to war readiness. Polish president Donald Tusk recently warned that Europe has been in “a pre-war era” for two years.
“We are living in the most critical moment since the end of the Second World War,” Tusk remarked.
“He’s right, November will be the most critical moment since the end of the Second World War,” Biden responded. “If Donald Trump is elected, Russia wins. We can’t let Russia win.”
Of course, that doesn’t mean he is ready to see Ukraine win, either. “We kept telling them for two years, ‘Use NATO tactics, but we can’t give you hardly any of the weapons a NATO army would use,’” Biden explained. “We were being responsible.”
“Our advice hasn’t worked because of Republican obstruction. You’re seeing that right now on the battlefield.” With that, the president donned a pair of sunglasses and held up his thumb with a grin. “Dark Brandon is back, guys!”
Polemology.net asked a question about Afghanistan, at which point a White House staffer ended the Zoom call.
Happy 1 April 2024.